patterns

Everything in life is a circle.
What goes around, comes around.
Circles can abuse.
Circles can kill.
Circles can trap you against your will.

Everything in life is a circle.
No beginning and end, just a continuum.
Circles can threaten.
Circles can fear.
Circles can ruin your every year.

Everything in life is a circle.
A boundary which no one can cross.
Circles can tie.
Circles can bind.
Circles can trap you in the memories of your mind.

Everything in life is a circle.
A corral for their every whim.
Circles can hold.
Circles can contain.
Circles are all that is left to remain.

Everything in life is a circle.
A pentagram painted on the ground.
Circles can rape.
Circles can hide.
Circles can take you for a long painful ride.

Gina ritual abuse survivor

Patterns are funny little repetitive circles that keep us encapsulated.We become prisoners of the same shoes,the same side of the fence,the same label,status and worst of all the same feeling. The initial feeling that this time we had a chance to break this pattern..a window we came across then decided to miss because we thought that this time would be different..this time we are stronger and wiser and absolutely in the right set of hands with the right people. After we hit the pattern and fit right in the hell home we create to ourselves the other,more familiar feeling creeps in..we are prisoners of the patterns we create to ourselves and there is just no way we can escape it. Now at rock bottom for the gazillion-th time how do we learn from it,analyze it and most importantly survive the crash yet again. So actually going through a pattern is like dying.Not physically anyway just on a certain level something dies within a person. It probably is an ability.. the ability to love, trust, fear, believe..etc

Now in analogy to part of the soul dying is literally dying so the five stages of grief according to the Kübler-Ross :

1-Denial

2-Anger

3-Bargaining

4-Depression

5-Acceptance

So step # 1:Denial

We deny that we are in a pattern and start convincing ourselves that this is all new territory and that we are really lost and clueless about this. We deny that we can smell the stench of previous pee around this territory. Along the same slippery road we deny that we are part to blame in this deja vu occurring. You start stating facts about how you never saw it coming, how this hit you and shocked you.But worst of all you deny that you are part to be blamed for the pain your in, and we deny that we are responsible for our own misery and pain. We deny that we are self terrorizing people that inflect pain on ourselves. The number one rule for never getting blamed is Deny deny deny.. don't we all use this strategy? We deny the nonoccurence of this event..deny it's a pattern..deny we even have a problem..deny deny deny

Step #2: Anger

Not only is anger a component in the five steps of grief it also is one of the seven sins that are most commonly known. It is in all religions the wrath of anger. Now anger is tricky because it really has no sense of direction. You first start experiencing anger when you admit that you have a problem, then you get this huge chunk of rage in the middle of your throat, lungs get heavier, dilated veins,corneas and then BOOOOOOM!!! you explode.

Now the explosion is a wee bit messy..as stated earlier no sense of direction. So you explode alone which is by itself a risk of heart disease.. self induced comas..and well maybe breaking a thing or two.. if your lucky.

The tricky part is if your anger /wrath is among people.. a thing or two of substance get crushed along the way...those tiny mushy things called feelings suffer... friendships break...attitudes are formed and a war is lost for good... a war that once existed because you had something to fight for.

So your anger hits everyone and everything that you think got you into this pattern in the first place.. you go back in history and blame every single moment that led you to your tiny capsule..your pattern.

Step # 3: Bargaining

desperation knocks on your door!! here it isn't more time... we bargain for how smart we would have been and will be in the future.... "IF ONLY"... although it is the most desperate phase of it all it also is the first step of hope... that at some point your bargaining for a difference to be able to avoid this pattern.. and you act all smart now thinking you know what went wrong and how the hell you got there and if you just change a slight detail all the pieces would fall into place... if only...

funny how humans are after it's a little bit too late... we think we know it all by then

Step # 4: Depression

So now nothing is working... you deny deny deny it hits you in the face... u get all worked up and lose a thing or two ... you think you know better and blame it on you missing one tiny detail you fool no one...and definitely not yourself.. so here comes the funk.

the thing about this phase is that it literally states that your way over your head and a self created circle. The restlessness of admitting that this will forever be your state, your pattern, your prison.

All these small details start to build up and grow into this big shadow over your pattern. Now there is nothing you can imagine that could help you escape it.

Depression is the drug we all get addicted to. Because no matter how far you go..you'll always hit rock bottom again and come looking for more.

Addiction and depression are not always your worst enemies, simply because they sometimes protect you from your worst enemy.. YOURSELF!

So as in life's stories...every story has two sides... you go to a battle and lose...that doesn't mean you've lost the war.

After this complete SILENCE!!!

Step # 5: Acceptance

So there is the serenity prayer that goes like this

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

So it's a crossroad between accepting that you are in for a ride that travels the same winding roads of yesterday... same faces and places. The look you get once your captivated again in your own prison. Or simply the other way. It would be a cruel lie to tell you that there are guarantees on the other side of happiness, peacefulness, or self worth. At the end everyone hates breaking a comfort zone.. one thing is for sure on the other side.. fresh territory.