I admire her..always have!! she has got such strength and inner poise, though i assume such poise comes with deep sorrow. She lives everyday as if she had always been alone as this is the norm..the usual. Keeping herself busy through out the day by doing all those little things..things that only waste the long hours of the day..and time is no longer a factor to worry about wasting. I think of myself spending all that time alone with no one to take notice of the smallest habit evolutions to the slightest events that take course. The silence of the day yet alone the night that could be deafening life is already full of so much pain and anguish on momentarily basis..you often stumble and feel unsure when there is no one there to catch you at this very instant you begin to fade. Being a strong lady she managed, though you can see right through her..this sense of obligation to preserve her being. I sleep well at night as many others with the comfort of knowing she is fine.she impacts us right to the core even if we don't have full awareness of it. And the important question still remains "Does she know??"... i pray that she did.
If one day I'd be alone...i pray for the poise..strength and grace of my lady...My lady..I'll never forget her pride! RIP
8/6/2006

tricky old friend...

Out of a simple need of understanding the concept of time...why is it that i have completely no sense of it?? I always have this illusion that i have enough time..by that i mean that i have enough time to plan on being a good student, enough time to be healthier, enough time to dress up before leaving the house.. so no accessorizing in the elevator and no make-up in the car and no wearing the belt just before the elevator door opens ...and shoes!!! shoes are supposed to be on before actually leaving the apartment...time to make good friends who are good enough..time to take that course or develop that talent. Enough time to resolve all my issues and admit to them...rise up to them. I have an illusion which is that i have enough time to live and plan my entire life. When freezing time and looking at my "illusion" i know it sounds stupid ,but i have become delusional about time. So now i see that time is no friend of mine, i feel that time will be over before i reach this state of happiness and comfort,before i even notice. And i believe that time will abandon me leaving me all alone in the dark in this timeless place.I hate time everything concerning it...i hate the sound of the ticking clock that is synced with every heartbeat.. i hate the word deadlines...imagine a line you cross it you're actually dead...i hate it when in an exam it's always time's up...i hate that time is a factor in forgetting the good and the bad.I hate how it's always too late to get what you want and how we grow old by time and people you used to love and be each other's world just forget about you not because they want to..just becomes your now only a fragment in their memory if they still can use their memories. I hate time and i know it hates me back. You learn to live with your enemy..i mean not everyone who says is your friend actually is...how many back stabbing people do u know??? But what if your enemy is the only evidence that your still alive and present...time..TIME...TIME that is all you have to conquer and it's all you have to respect.Hate it if you will but respect it and it pays you back...don't we live in a world today where it's all about who you know and how can they help you??? that is time...a matter of mutual interest... So i guess time is our ultimate test... it's proof of our existence..our failure, rise and demise. So to all the ticking clocks out there...respect.

the initiative

I can start by saying why am i doing this and why is this so important and how i want this to be taken seriously and bla bla bla bla bla...but actually i have no clue and this is the reason for my title...this blog is so irrelevent and so meaningless from anyone's point of view but maybe things that start that way so aimless and undefined are the things that seize to amaze us and change us in this so called journey we have to take.
I'm not even thinking when im typing i just am....and this is why my hands are just hitting these letters as i go INITIATIVE.By definition is the power or ability to begin or to follow through energitically with a plan or a task. So according to definition i never ever ever took an initiative all through my life. I never started something or followed through with it and i really don't know what that makes me. Maybe an aimless person??? guilty..An air head??? not guilty... i don't know what intiatives i want to take in life but all i do know is what i don't want to start with or follow through with so i guess that is a step..am i right??? So i think that my "initiative" journey starts here... with a blog about nonsense and i guess i'll see where this goes and maybe one day i'll be able to take more serious intitatives. Isn't it crazy though how we always tend to mark our calenders on a certain date or a certain event that will be the beginnig of initiatives... like new years's resolution...your birthday..that time you saw your ex..and u promise yourself that maybe this year you'll quit smoking...lose weight..be less of an asshole...never look like that again...whatever it is. And then a year later guess what? you smoke three packs a day..gained weight and had another break up and a far worse melt down and a bigger asshole than ever? So isn't really one day at a time small steps really the way to go other than making these huge promises and just take a one way ticket to depression and the "here we go again!!" guilt?? why do we take intiatives and hope for the best, why not just hope for the best as you go?? i always thought that old chinese people are wise i think it has something to do with the very narrow eyes and white long hair and that very gentle yet strong voice that adds that.. so anyway the chinese proverb says: "It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward." So i guess i just take in mind what an old chinese person said over a probably middle class, ivy leauge. boring. stuck in a cubicle, about to commit suicide scholar writing definitions in a dictionary...because face it the chinese have civilization and they are still going strong with this philosophy. So have fun one step at a time.
As an initaitive im starting guitar lessons pretty soon hopefully and we'll see how that goes. My friend who is teaching me already bought me my first pick ever and it glows in the dark so im expecting one hell of a ride...but again one step at a time