patterns

Everything in life is a circle.
What goes around, comes around.
Circles can abuse.
Circles can kill.
Circles can trap you against your will.

Everything in life is a circle.
No beginning and end, just a continuum.
Circles can threaten.
Circles can fear.
Circles can ruin your every year.

Everything in life is a circle.
A boundary which no one can cross.
Circles can tie.
Circles can bind.
Circles can trap you in the memories of your mind.

Everything in life is a circle.
A corral for their every whim.
Circles can hold.
Circles can contain.
Circles are all that is left to remain.

Everything in life is a circle.
A pentagram painted on the ground.
Circles can rape.
Circles can hide.
Circles can take you for a long painful ride.

Gina ritual abuse survivor

Patterns are funny little repetitive circles that keep us encapsulated.We become prisoners of the same shoes,the same side of the fence,the same label,status and worst of all the same feeling. The initial feeling that this time we had a chance to break this pattern..a window we came across then decided to miss because we thought that this time would be different..this time we are stronger and wiser and absolutely in the right set of hands with the right people. After we hit the pattern and fit right in the hell home we create to ourselves the other,more familiar feeling creeps in..we are prisoners of the patterns we create to ourselves and there is just no way we can escape it. Now at rock bottom for the gazillion-th time how do we learn from it,analyze it and most importantly survive the crash yet again. So actually going through a pattern is like dying.Not physically anyway just on a certain level something dies within a person. It probably is an ability.. the ability to love, trust, fear, believe..etc

Now in analogy to part of the soul dying is literally dying so the five stages of grief according to the Kübler-Ross :

1-Denial

2-Anger

3-Bargaining

4-Depression

5-Acceptance

So step # 1:Denial

We deny that we are in a pattern and start convincing ourselves that this is all new territory and that we are really lost and clueless about this. We deny that we can smell the stench of previous pee around this territory. Along the same slippery road we deny that we are part to blame in this deja vu occurring. You start stating facts about how you never saw it coming, how this hit you and shocked you.But worst of all you deny that you are part to be blamed for the pain your in, and we deny that we are responsible for our own misery and pain. We deny that we are self terrorizing people that inflect pain on ourselves. The number one rule for never getting blamed is Deny deny deny.. don't we all use this strategy? We deny the nonoccurence of this event..deny it's a pattern..deny we even have a problem..deny deny deny

Step #2: Anger

Not only is anger a component in the five steps of grief it also is one of the seven sins that are most commonly known. It is in all religions the wrath of anger. Now anger is tricky because it really has no sense of direction. You first start experiencing anger when you admit that you have a problem, then you get this huge chunk of rage in the middle of your throat, lungs get heavier, dilated veins,corneas and then BOOOOOOM!!! you explode.

Now the explosion is a wee bit messy..as stated earlier no sense of direction. So you explode alone which is by itself a risk of heart disease.. self induced comas..and well maybe breaking a thing or two.. if your lucky.

The tricky part is if your anger /wrath is among people.. a thing or two of substance get crushed along the way...those tiny mushy things called feelings suffer... friendships break...attitudes are formed and a war is lost for good... a war that once existed because you had something to fight for.

So your anger hits everyone and everything that you think got you into this pattern in the first place.. you go back in history and blame every single moment that led you to your tiny capsule..your pattern.

Step # 3: Bargaining

desperation knocks on your door!! here it isn't more time... we bargain for how smart we would have been and will be in the future.... "IF ONLY"... although it is the most desperate phase of it all it also is the first step of hope... that at some point your bargaining for a difference to be able to avoid this pattern.. and you act all smart now thinking you know what went wrong and how the hell you got there and if you just change a slight detail all the pieces would fall into place... if only...

funny how humans are after it's a little bit too late... we think we know it all by then

Step # 4: Depression

So now nothing is working... you deny deny deny it hits you in the face... u get all worked up and lose a thing or two ... you think you know better and blame it on you missing one tiny detail you fool no one...and definitely not yourself.. so here comes the funk.

the thing about this phase is that it literally states that your way over your head and a self created circle. The restlessness of admitting that this will forever be your state, your pattern, your prison.

All these small details start to build up and grow into this big shadow over your pattern. Now there is nothing you can imagine that could help you escape it.

Depression is the drug we all get addicted to. Because no matter how far you go..you'll always hit rock bottom again and come looking for more.

Addiction and depression are not always your worst enemies, simply because they sometimes protect you from your worst enemy.. YOURSELF!

So as in life's stories...every story has two sides... you go to a battle and lose...that doesn't mean you've lost the war.

After this complete SILENCE!!!

Step # 5: Acceptance

So there is the serenity prayer that goes like this

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

So it's a crossroad between accepting that you are in for a ride that travels the same winding roads of yesterday... same faces and places. The look you get once your captivated again in your own prison. Or simply the other way. It would be a cruel lie to tell you that there are guarantees on the other side of happiness, peacefulness, or self worth. At the end everyone hates breaking a comfort zone.. one thing is for sure on the other side.. fresh territory.

The man who sold the sky..

Once upon a time in a not so special day..nothing important takes place in that day..history won't be in the making and nothing will seize to exist. A young girl was wandering around she was observing everything around her with no interest at all. Nothing impressed her,nothing seemed exciting or new to her although she was in never never land where you can never grow old..never have to endure pain..never had to fight for what you believed in and never had to push yourself to survive.Never never land is the light at the end of the tunnel to many of us but it was for her just an uninteresting status quo that she had to go through as a transitional stage. So as she walked through the vast lands she saw all these weird creatures around her. Creatures that spit fire on you if they didn't like you..others that gave you the perfect poisoned apple and others that accepted the poisoned apple with an open heart thinking maybe i deserve that after all. She saw people who wore their hearts on their sleeves and those who had a hole where there heart used to be.Those who had at all and didn't know it..those who wanted the have it all to have nothing.Those who rise and fall everyday..those who just fell and never came back to life..and those who simply rise and rise again without every touching the ground.Indeed it was the light at the end of the tunnel it was life in the making. So the little girl ran across all these wonders if you may and didn't really seem to grasp what was so important about it all. She then came across this small stage within the theatre we call life.On that stage stood the one person who caught her utmost attention since arriving here. The little girl felt this force pulling her closer and closer to the stage and found herself in the front row. The man was now talking to the crowd but it felt like he was talking only to her. He spoke to the crowd with a voice that penetrates all walls built by them. Resistance was not really an option to them. Now came his final act he told the crowd that he could turn them into anything they wanted in never never land.So the first volunteer came up and wanted to be a very rich man but he also wanted his health and youth..the man controlling the stage whispered into the ear of the volunteer something and the volunteer left the stage feeling exhilarated. Then came the second volunteer then the third.One after one they all came to him wishing for material things..happiness in a bottle..youth..to turn into a bird because of course that is the ultimate freedom to overcome obstacles that one could never imagine.Then the captivating magician came to the little girl and asked her what did she want was it fame?Glory?Eternity?..The little girl had once again lost interest in the face of the so-called miracles that happened in never never land..she didn't really feel as impressed as she had been..then she asked him this. The little girl looked at him with eyes filled with doubt and certainty he couldn't deliver what she wanted,she spoke in steady words "I want to be the sky." The man knew he heard her right and asked her "I can give you anything you want..why the sky??"..the girl answered with a smile on her face and a heartbeat so steady "I want to be the sky of never never land.Because then i can know for sure that all the creatures of never never land can never touch me. All their hate,love,fear,demands,expectations,betrayal,sympathy will never get to me..well at least not for long. " The man thought the girl to be the craziest he had ever seen and asked her "how so?"..the girl replied "The sky is always there..sometimes the blue color overwhelms the sky with it's presence and it becomes the most beautiful thing eyes can be laid on.. it's that soft hand caressing it..other times grey color grasps it's fist around it and suffocates it..the sun makes an appearance..so does the roar of thunder and the shock of lighting..stars glitter and twinkle and the moon steals the stage when it's peaking at it's fullest".The man again felt puzzled leaned to the girl asking her the last question "But what is then so special about the sky? It doesn't seem to stand out between all these other elements".The girl smiled as if she were a 90 year old and gave her final answer "The beauty of being the sky is that a million things will go right past you but nothing really sticks to you.As the sky you are the most free thing God has created..all will go past you and nothing will ever stick to you.Pain..guilt..friendship..broken hearts..love.. everything that can make us and break us just passes by. And then everything becomes beneath you.You become the ultimate survivor". The girl left the small stage in never never land knowing that this too shall pass and she continued her life with her head in the sky and her feet down to earth.

BED!

A simple three lettered word that could save your life...BED!! i am not and i mean NOT exaggerating at all..It is the safest place on earth...and I'm not talking about a bed you share with someone but your own very bed...or maybe your back turned to who ever is on the other side. First of all after a long day not necessarily crappy you go there with the weight of the world on your shoulders..then you invade the bed's first frontier the bedsheets...one by one (if multi layers present) the bed surrenders to you without a fight maybe you need a tug here and there but then it succumbs to you restlessly.

Now as soon as your head hits the pillows with a hit here and there..nothing is there in bed but you and your thoughts. This is the ultimate enemy your facing now..all the demons in your head and the real battle begins and at some point you will know who has won this battle was it you or was it your thoughts.The ultimate judge is insomnia.

Now here comes the BED's help..somehow it has this power to absorb all your thoughts and send you on this trance where your mind body and soul barley hanging by a thread with your consciousness..then you surrender.
The power is too seductive, too overwhelming that you finally give in and let go.
The trick here that your sleep is as much as a friend as it is your foe...how many times did you want to stay in this warm and perfect illusion and you fight with every fiber in your being to stay in BED.
Yet again how many times in this perfect illusion did you get a nightmare so real that you can feel every breathe of air your lungs try to grasp the cold damp atmosphere surrounding you.. the pain that is so real you feel your body twisting and turning and resisting... the scream that you can no longer hold and you scream your heart out but still no one can hear you..and again with every fiber in your being you try to wake up and leave the relinquishment you once held so dear to you.
BED that place you crawl to thinking that the day you leave it again is the day everything outside it is alright and the dark times,the boring times are over. But the trick is that BED is all a state of mind. It can be your illusion,your reality, your solitary cell. And if a cellmate exists it's the part of you that is in denial or that part of you that screams the truth to your face.
So in the end..How well do you really know the person you go to bed with each and every night..furthermore do you really want to be sleeping with the enemy???
The safest place on earth or the most dangerous territory...BED!

I admire her..always have!! she has got such strength and inner poise, though i assume such poise comes with deep sorrow. She lives everyday as if she had always been alone as this is the norm..the usual. Keeping herself busy through out the day by doing all those little things..things that only waste the long hours of the day..and time is no longer a factor to worry about wasting. I think of myself spending all that time alone with no one to take notice of the smallest habit evolutions to the slightest events that take course. The silence of the day yet alone the night that could be deafening life is already full of so much pain and anguish on momentarily basis..you often stumble and feel unsure when there is no one there to catch you at this very instant you begin to fade. Being a strong lady she managed, though you can see right through her..this sense of obligation to preserve her being. I sleep well at night as many others with the comfort of knowing she is fine.she impacts us right to the core even if we don't have full awareness of it. And the important question still remains "Does she know??"... i pray that she did.
If one day I'd be alone...i pray for the poise..strength and grace of my lady...My lady..I'll never forget her pride! RIP
8/6/2006

tricky old friend...

Out of a simple need of understanding the concept of time...why is it that i have completely no sense of it?? I always have this illusion that i have enough time..by that i mean that i have enough time to plan on being a good student, enough time to be healthier, enough time to dress up before leaving the house.. so no accessorizing in the elevator and no make-up in the car and no wearing the belt just before the elevator door opens ...and shoes!!! shoes are supposed to be on before actually leaving the apartment...time to make good friends who are good enough..time to take that course or develop that talent. Enough time to resolve all my issues and admit to them...rise up to them. I have an illusion which is that i have enough time to live and plan my entire life. When freezing time and looking at my "illusion" i know it sounds stupid ,but i have become delusional about time. So now i see that time is no friend of mine, i feel that time will be over before i reach this state of happiness and comfort,before i even notice. And i believe that time will abandon me leaving me all alone in the dark in this timeless place.I hate time everything concerning it...i hate the sound of the ticking clock that is synced with every heartbeat.. i hate the word deadlines...imagine a line you cross it you're actually dead...i hate it when in an exam it's always time's up...i hate that time is a factor in forgetting the good and the bad.I hate how it's always too late to get what you want and how we grow old by time and people you used to love and be each other's world just forget about you not because they want to..just becomes your now only a fragment in their memory if they still can use their memories. I hate time and i know it hates me back. You learn to live with your enemy..i mean not everyone who says is your friend actually is...how many back stabbing people do u know??? But what if your enemy is the only evidence that your still alive and present...time..TIME...TIME that is all you have to conquer and it's all you have to respect.Hate it if you will but respect it and it pays you back...don't we live in a world today where it's all about who you know and how can they help you??? that is time...a matter of mutual interest... So i guess time is our ultimate test... it's proof of our existence..our failure, rise and demise. So to all the ticking clocks out there...respect.

the initiative

I can start by saying why am i doing this and why is this so important and how i want this to be taken seriously and bla bla bla bla bla...but actually i have no clue and this is the reason for my title...this blog is so irrelevent and so meaningless from anyone's point of view but maybe things that start that way so aimless and undefined are the things that seize to amaze us and change us in this so called journey we have to take.
I'm not even thinking when im typing i just am....and this is why my hands are just hitting these letters as i go INITIATIVE.By definition is the power or ability to begin or to follow through energitically with a plan or a task. So according to definition i never ever ever took an initiative all through my life. I never started something or followed through with it and i really don't know what that makes me. Maybe an aimless person??? guilty..An air head??? not guilty... i don't know what intiatives i want to take in life but all i do know is what i don't want to start with or follow through with so i guess that is a step..am i right??? So i think that my "initiative" journey starts here... with a blog about nonsense and i guess i'll see where this goes and maybe one day i'll be able to take more serious intitatives. Isn't it crazy though how we always tend to mark our calenders on a certain date or a certain event that will be the beginnig of initiatives... like new years's resolution...your birthday..that time you saw your ex..and u promise yourself that maybe this year you'll quit smoking...lose weight..be less of an asshole...never look like that again...whatever it is. And then a year later guess what? you smoke three packs a day..gained weight and had another break up and a far worse melt down and a bigger asshole than ever? So isn't really one day at a time small steps really the way to go other than making these huge promises and just take a one way ticket to depression and the "here we go again!!" guilt?? why do we take intiatives and hope for the best, why not just hope for the best as you go?? i always thought that old chinese people are wise i think it has something to do with the very narrow eyes and white long hair and that very gentle yet strong voice that adds that.. so anyway the chinese proverb says: "It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward." So i guess i just take in mind what an old chinese person said over a probably middle class, ivy leauge. boring. stuck in a cubicle, about to commit suicide scholar writing definitions in a dictionary...because face it the chinese have civilization and they are still going strong with this philosophy. So have fun one step at a time.
As an initaitive im starting guitar lessons pretty soon hopefully and we'll see how that goes. My friend who is teaching me already bought me my first pick ever and it glows in the dark so im expecting one hell of a ride...but again one step at a time